Step One
Looks are everything, as we already know. Anything branded or bought new within the past 10 years should be handed back to the conformists. Your wardrobe now consists of second-hand items. Also, start smoking. Don’t listen to the government- it can still be cool if we try hard enough. R.Y.O, naturally.
Step Two
Ditch your iPhone for a flip phone so it is a specific inconvenience just to contact you. You are the most unavailable person on the planet. If you can’t give up the Apple lifestyle, at least smash it on the floor once or twice- this will also help with your lack of ability to read the time.
Step Three
Your physical exterior needs to be replicated into your home interior. Books shall be effortlessly scattered across your surfaces. The paper lampshade left by your landlord beautifully replicates the Japanese interior design we are aiming for, so keep it. And of course, any musical instrument you can find should be perfectly placed in every room, the skills to play said instruments can come later.
Step Four
Master the art of improvisation. This step takes courage and time but the façade will only last for so long. And if all else fails, remember playing one singular note in different rhythms for a minute will still get applause from the audience.
Step Five
Performance etiquette. Seem as disinterested as possible. Lock eyes with one person in the audience so your deception of emotional availability can stay intact. And remember, sipping whisky on stage is how sex appeal was born.
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